Foster Care — How much I have grown Today when I look at my past I don’t focus on the bad stuff that happened. I do have those days where I feel the hurt that has happened to me and I cry and you know what. I’m not shaming myself for crying anymore and that in itself is one of the biggest indicators for me that I’m realizing that my past is where it got me where I am today and I don’t have to live in the past like bad things did happen to me and my actions every single day speak for itself. So if I go biking today and I have a hard time climbing that hill you know what I used to do? I used to be mad that I can’t get up that hill but you know what. I went biking the other day and I stopped being mad at myself for not being able to climb the hill because I realized I’m here outside riding my bike. In other news something that I realized in terms of my health is that I’ve had a hard time going to the gym or going to church. So I started dividing it up. I started taking small steps towards a goal. You know I do feel like the gym is hard because I don’t like the people and the feeling that everyone’s looking at me, which I know no one’s looking at me and it’s very illogical. So I decided to start doing things on my own terms. I stopped being scared at the opportunities that I could be afforded like a few days ago this girl said that she wanted to create a tennis group. I didn’t think much of it because most of the Facebook groups I joined it doesn’t seem like anything happens or comes of it. So she then ended up creating this facebook group of like 15 something girls to play tennis with and she scheduled something but the time was way earlier than what would work for me. But instead of shaming myself of hey, I can’t drive right now or oh my gosh, I don’t want to get up that early or I don’t want to pay that much money to Uber. I decided that I was going to live on my own terms so I took a dive and said “Hey, I’m not good at tennis. My cardio is horrible. I’m not good at running right now but you know what I want to do. I want to freaken play tennis and I am not an early riser right now so I play in the afternoon when I am feeling awake.” and guess what? When I posted that text to messenger I felt so empowered because I finally did something on my own terms instead of just giving up because it wasn’t exactly how I needed things to work and one girl responded and she came and I stopped believing everything had to be perfect in order for us to have a good time. This time I finally let it be a come as you are. We had a miscommunication about how I thought my partner really wanted to learn how to play tennis and I just wanted to hit the ball around but you know what I did. I didn’t let the miscommunication divide us. I told her “I didn’t want to teach how to hit a ball right or anything like that. I just wanted to play.” Annnnd guess what?! She said, “I didn’t want to learn how to hit a ball right. All I wanted to do was have fun and run a little bit more.” I was like girl, “Let’s do that.” Then we had so much fun. We ended up running an hour over because we had so much fun. So in terms of that lesson of not letting these big barriers be put in my way and if I really want something start small, I didn’t realize that that applied to every single big barrier that I have seen myself be dramatic about and I’m very dramatic. With Hope and Vine and how I came to one of the most life changing nonprofits in my life. It started with my I falling on my skates. I had quit my full-time job and I am pretty sure I got a concussion and all of the sudden I had the worst manic episode and I wanted to share about my mental illness because this part was so important to me. I was so freaked out about bipolar and the diagnosis that I didn’t allow myself to get treatment until January and I acted all types of out of control for a while. But you know what, I have never blamed myself for that because I knew that my insurance started in January so I wouldn’t have to pay a lot for any hospital stays. When I got out of the hospital and was finally medicated in a good direction, I’m pretty sure I had bipolar most of my life I was just wrongly diagnosed and was always on very high highs and very horrible lows but it just seemed like I was just acting out, also if Bipolar isn’t properly diagnosed and they start you on antidepressants it can make Bipolar even worse later on. So yes bad things happened and you know what? If I keep blaming and living in the past, it’s really hard for me to appreciate the amazingness I am stepping into. Now I’m becoming more stable to go after a job and feel happy at a job. I remember there were times where I would start this intense saving at every single job because I knew it was going to end. But now I don’t see an end in sight for these jobs. I’m so proud that I tried when I came to Hope and Vine. I took a leap of faith because the way that happened I moved in with a friend for way more a month than I was paying at home at that point there was no job in sight and the next day after I settled in we went to Hope and Vine and Rachael didn’t know the circumstances that were happening and she was like “Wait does that mean you want a job?’ and then “Okay then she’s hired!” It was like every single thing just started to work out itself and I was definitely scared. I have had people tell me things and think they know what they’re talking about in terms of my health and my healing and stuff like that. But what I really needed was an opportunity to get out of my horrible relationship and I had to do that myself and I’m so glad that this guy decided he was done. Because for the first time I think I realized what love actually is and I have chosen the first member of my chosen family and I have healed enough to be vulnerable with the people that have hurt me and be hurt and sit in my hurt and self-reflect on what I want with bad things that happen.

I’ll step back and say something like “Oh dang that hurts and I would let my emotions out and I decide to walk away from it because I realized right now I’m not ready to be hurt consistently with the people that I love so I can tell them I love you so much and I care about you so much and also walk away because I know that if I don’t and consistently let other’s break my boundaries, I’m not going to heal as fast as I want to. With foster care, I came from a horrible home. I left at 17 and for once in my life I had to make the choice to choose myself to not live in a house where things are bad and then at 22 I had to choose again my money or my sanity and happiness and y’all. I made the right choice because for once in my life I can be happy and bad things can happen and I can have a bad day and I realize that my life is dandy and amazing and I do have a lot of privilege now and I am living with so much more that I ever had and I don’t get mad at my privilege. I work on the barriers that will consistently come and believe me when I tell you I would run the other way when I saw barriers and fast and I would get upset at the barriers but now I’m in the mentality of not blaming myself and giving myself the credit I deserve. So if I take my bike out and, I don’t go out often. So I’m going to let myself be proud of myself for taking a step into the sun. And if I go to play tennis and I’m out of breath, I’m going to tell my tennis partner. “Hey I need a minute.” I haven’t done this much cardio in a while. And I won’t allow myself to be ashamed when I am working so hard to change those horrible patterns that have existed for so long. I have stopped saying “I can’t control these things.” And have taken accountability for hurtful and toxic behaviors.