The Job of Dread

I feel pain, I feel sorrow and sadness. I just have no idea what to do. My judgments of myself include: “You are lazy”, “You are unambitious”, “You don’t want anything out of life.” I feel like these judgments make sense from where I come from. Which is a super abusive background of sorrow.

Which totally makes sense from my past which is the reason for my self-doubts about myself. I just don’t know how to go on. I don’t want to find another listless job because I just have a feeling that I won’t work hard or feel passionate about the job. I just want something that I’m passionate about and I have no idea what it is. What is something that I can find myself doing that I can wake up every day and feel like I want to take on the world?

NO IDEA.

I am so sad and just full of self-doubt. There’s been so much happening yet nothing happening at the same time. I don’t know what to do with my life. I just feel so much anguish because of all these thoughts.

Depression is something I feel so deeply, because of my situation I just can’t seem to get over the hump that I am still a good person even though I don’t want to work at a job that just takes my soul from me. This hump is so hard.

Why is it that there’s just so much out here, a wealth of knowledge but not a single one of them is hitting me the way it needs to?

I have dreams, I have goals. I just don’t want to work a job that feels like I’m in a prison of giving my time away to someone else. What can I do to earn enough money for myself so that I can just live in a peaceful way that doesn’t have my soul sucked hollow every time I go to work.

I don’t know what to do, it just feels like everyone is doing the same thing and no one is feeling the feelings I’m feeling of “I don’t want to work this job that is just making me so unhappy.” While there have been jobs I held that have given me joy they all had downsides every single one of them. It was like a “there’s a give and take.” But why? Why does there have to be a give and take of something I want most? Why can’t I have everything something I’m passionate about and something that I love and also be able to earn some money off of it? I am just so sad, depressed, anxious about the life I have ahead of me because I just don’t know what my future holds with the mentality that I have.